Saving changes

My blog is taking a new turn from here. This haven will hold more than prose and literary pieces; it will be home to beautiful moments of simple life. Gone are the days where I had to hide behind metaphors and lines. This is freedom writing...

It's been over a year that I have been in a new place, that I think I can almost call home. Change has surrounded me. All I know is that worst is over and that the best is yet to come. So much is different now; I have a full time job, a bank account, my own space. Biggest of all is I get to make my own decisions. Considering all of the above is pretty cool, I have to say it's been rather scary too. Going out into the world after years of being held back is overwhelming. It's a blur and everything seems so loud and bright. I am learning all over again how to live life as normal. I started off horribly, indecisive of what I should wear, how much I spend and what to do on a long awaited weekend. My dreams are reality and I'm still sitting in bed wondering where to start from.

To start of, I have a great job. The organization I work for is a refuge in its own way to vulnerable people all around. Everywhere you turn, you always see someone in need, in a battle worse than your own. Some don't have food, nor clothing. While others don't even have a place to live. Dubai seems like a kind of Heaven compared to a city bursting with dynamics in the shadows of poverty and corruption. I soon realized that I had left a hopeless foreign land only to come to a place where everyone fights for the right to be heard. I work as a communications programme officer at my NGO but often time my creativity takes a U-turn when a woman in distress walks in with a story of pain and abuse. Often times it feels like a audible reflection of the things of my past and I surprise myself as I find my eyes tearing up at such injustice in so many lives. "I am lucky" I tell myself for I know that it's not often that one has the privilege of turning on a new leaf with the least of hassles.

“Go boldly and honestly through the world. Learn to love the fact that there is nobody else quite like you.” — Daniel Radcliffe

 

In the months gone by I have encountered so much that is new from walking in the rain, to scurrying lizards. I have made the most amazing friends from around the world and experienced the generosity of those who are hardly acquaintances. I am becoming new and realizing that I can never be who I once was.

Just last week my roommates and I opened our home to a young girl who was kidnapped when she was a child. This kid has no where she belongs, no sense of right or wrong, nothing. In spite of being flustered by her mannerisms deep inside I wondered what if this girl was me. I anxiously imagined not knowing where I came from with no sight of the the future. I wondered how afraid I would have been and the desperation for some light to come. At this moment I finally felt I was ready to accept these changes in my life and press forward, believing it only gets better. I sat on my bed, thankful that from deep oceans, I have been washed to shores of care and belonging.  I travail my path with hope, boldness, and value for the simple things in life that I have the privilege of now experiencing.

For to be free is mot merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enchances the freedom of others  - Nelson Mandela

Real Stories

So many of us are too ashamed to share our stories thinking that they are unworthy of being told because of our fallout, immoralities and more. We hide the truth and cover the stains that seem so ugly. Little do we know that there is a power in confession.. confession of the truth even if it’s the brutal truth about our very lives.  The mere utterance of it not only brings liberation but frees those who hear our stories, especially those whose world secretly collides with ours.

You see, the perfect stories are the imperfect ones.. the ones that are raw and uncut. They are the ones that don’t have anything missing.  How ever, we often try to be selective about what we say but that holds no power. Power is in the details that we often hide away and push under the rug. Those are the details that make our stories real and that reach out to the lives of others. It’s the dark stuff that act as a beacon of light to those who are too afraid to lift up their voice to say they are being wronged because they think their sin is to be blamed.

But when we show ourselves as imperfect people, these very hearts who silently struggle realize that there is hope and that they don’t have to be perfect to be justified in their cause. And in bringing them hope, our stories serve a purpose beyond ourselves, encouraging us, our lives as we glorify the Author.

Originally dated: 23/1/2011

Freedom

There is a future in our hearts that we dream of.. A time when all is beautiful and worry does not abide . It is a place where our spirits are full of satisfaction; heavy-laden no more.

The mind of our tomorrows is where the answers to desperate prayers live.. it is where we are weightless.

Freedom needs fighters who will claim all they deserve and more. Freedom needs lovers who are willing to believe that waiting for the prize is never in vain.

If we could wait through the storms then how much easier is it to just walk through the wilderness. Even when we have stepped out of the pain of the past, freedom still needs work and completion. The fight never seems to end but it does.

What has begun must finish. What is hoped for must come to pass. The waiting room has a door that will be opened and the reaping of what was once sown will grow out & cease to be..

Winter will end..

Freedom will be.

Freedom Fighters

I don’t know where you endure or who you are, yet I know you are somewhere out there, unnoticed and undone. Even more I know we share the mysteries of the same story.

Our prisons have no walls, our fears torment us and our voices go unheard. It has become the norm to be silenced. No one will see the world through our eyes, like a bird in her cage chasing freedom in every breath. Our lives are not our own yet only we know our own bitterness.

But let us believe that there is a God out there who is a an ever present witness to our lives, a God who doesn’t let any detail go unnoticed..One who will decree justice in our favour for the times we’ve borne the pain that our minds and bodies could not comprehend nor contain.

I hope you are fighting to live that you may make it out a freedom fighter

Dated: July 3rd 2010

Forever Faithful

Savoring new found freedom, I strive to walk out of the past and what it made me. Belittled and heavy laden no longer am I. Instead He calls me beloved one, in spite of my reckless guilt and shame. Holding on to the truth that lingers, I fight the lies that I've been told along, gloom that rings loud in my mind and heart. I fight to believe that I am not what they say but what you bespoke over me. In the chaos of my failures and depravity, I still know that I am not forsaken nor given up on. Walking out of the valley, I look to the light in your kind eyes that draws me away from the voices that embitter and I gaze upon the beauty of who you are and what you have done for me.

Most Holy and sovereign , you drew dear to me in my brokenness and drew me out of deep waters and now I am redeemed by your might hands. The hands that sustained me, now delivered me unto liberty and rest. Let your truth capture me and consume every condemnation. Let me believe that I am wanted and known, that I am of worth and a woman after your own heart in spite of my darkness. I plead that my love for you has never been a facade even though my heart and flesh have failed. And Your love kept me standing as I waited for you to come, it picked up my pieces when I broke my life apart, desperate that you would rescue me. You have always been my portion.. the life in my breath, the strength of my heart. Strong tower and my Savior, I could never compare the undeserved favor you show me to what has been given by any other. You are above all.

Help me find myself again, the person you created me to me, the person made in your image. Cast away the dusk of days gone by, the wounding words of those who no longer consider me their own. Redeem the shadows of who I have become to who I should be. Give me a new song. Pardon my falling out for it has been far too deep to be understood by anyone else but me and You. It was all I ever knew.. I never meant to take away. My testimony compromised by my own unintentional actions, I am tried by those holier than I. The storm, too fierce, my strength failed and I was greatly consumed.

Make all things new. Change hearts. Give them your eyes, that they may be merciful too. Make me better, better than I've ever been, let me seek your excellence in all I do and in who I have become. Tired of unsettling comparisons and doubts, I drown in what I only imagine and think I know. Humbly I come before you and hide no frailty but praise the One who saved one who deserved less.

Thank you for knowing me as I am and as I will be. You have always known my heart. Thank you for your loving kindness even when I deserve none. A sum of my mistakes, yet you died for me. You love me even in my sin and you see the pain that brought me here. You see me in ways no other does. It is your merciful perception that caused you to deliver me for no other man would have done so. Even though you are most holy, you chose to save a sinner, while those who have fallen short would never have. How wonderful you are to love me the way you do. How just you are not to over look the hurt caused to me even though I have hurt in return. You have never given up on me though I grew weary to see you come.

Forever faithful you are.

He sent from above, he took me, he drew me out of many waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them which hated me: for they were too strong for me. They prevented me in the day of my calamity: but the Lord was my stay. He brought me forth also into a large place; he delivered me, because he delighted in me” (Psalms 18:16-19).